Alejandra Melús, educator: “If we teach our children to have a healthy relationship with solitude, they won’t fear it.”

To grow healthy and happy, a child must feel the unconditional love of their parents, a fondness that protects and empowers them through an affection free from prejudices that limit their development, from expectations that suffocate them, and from judgments that harm their self-esteem. To develop properly, a child also needs to be accompanied by plenty of patience, understanding, and empathy. They need adult role models who help them discover their talents and overcome the adversities they encounter along their way. All of this is reflected in the story Unconditional (Durii, 202) by Alejandra Melús (Madrid, 1986), a graduate in therapeutic pedagogy and an expert in emotional intelligence.

Melús, a regular contributor to Mamas & Papas, defines unconditional love for children as one that establishes an emotional connection between mother, father, and child. It is the kind of love that offers unwavering affection in any situation and, above all, provides roots of security and stability.

QUESTION. Why is it so important to establish a secure bond with children?

ANSWER. The attachment a child forms with their reference figures will be their foundation for life. Secure attachment helps establish a strong and stable connection that provides calm, confidence, and balance, making them feel important, valid, needed, and visible within their family unit.

Q. How is this achieved when conflicts, fights between siblings, or overwhelming emotions appear at home?

A. Conflicts or less pleasant emotions, such as frustration, fear, or jealousy among siblings, are natural emotions found in any family. It is in these moments of disagreement that we have the ideal opportunity to demonstrate our unconditional love for our children. As psychologist Jaume Funes says: “Love me when I least deserve it… because that’s when I need it the most.” These situations provide the perfect moments to show them how to manage our emotions, learn to accompany those emotions, and above all, demonstrate our love for them unconditionally, letting them know that we love them not for what they do, but for who they are.

Q. What does a child truly need to be happy?

A. Far from what we often believe, children do not need big things to be happy. The fundamentals do not lie in material possessions, but in moments that create unique memories, like playtime, an afternoon in the park, a story before bed, or tickles after a bath. Children need to feel they are important, needed, that they contribute, and that their family is present and available for them, showing this to them.

Q. They say children constantly observe adults.

A. That’s correct. There’s a quote from Mother Teresa of Calcutta that I love to share with the families I support: “Don’t worry that your children don’t listen to you; they observe you all the time.” It seems obvious, but it’s essential to remember how the human brain works. In childhood, we sometimes ask children to perform behaviors they’ve never observed, and this is not possible as many of them are merely social and imitative. For example, in frustration or emotional overflow, we cannot ask a child to breathe calmly or calm down and then act from this state if they have never observed this reaction before. Clearly, the example has a greater impact and effectiveness on their behavior than the verbal message itself.

Q. Why is it so important for a child to develop their emotional competence?

A. Emotions accompany us throughout life. Today, no one questions teaching mathematics to children at any of the mandatory educational stages, and while I do not mean to belittle mathematics, we cannot deny that emotions are always with us, and yet, we still live in a society where emotional intelligence does not receive the importance it deserves. Emotional competence involves acquiring emotional vocabulary while providing tools to communicate how one feels, learning to accompany the emotions of others and oneself, understanding that all emotions are necessary and valid, and acquiring strategies to express these emotions respectfully and functionally.

Q. As an expert in emotional education, why is it so hard for families to accompany their children’s unpleasant emotions?

A. We have been a generation with practically no emotional education. We talked little about emotions, and only the most basic ones. Moreover, the emotions that were less pleasant to feel and accompany were experienced in solitude, denied, or considered signs of cowardice or weakness. This has undoubtedly impacted the model we’ve integrated. However, now as parents, we want to educate our children from a totally different pattern. It is essential for families to have more self-compassion, understanding that every process and social change takes decades to become the norm, as we are the pioneers of a model of childhood support never seen before. Additionally, by accompanying our children’s emotions, we undeniably connect with our own childhood and sometimes see ourselves reflected in them, catching their emotion, offering a model of behavior that we had not intended to adopt. Acting from a place of healthy and appropriate emotional support involves a long process of formation and self-awareness that requires much practice and consciousness.

Q. In your story Unconditional, you talk about the fear children have of being alone. How can families help their children enjoy solitude?

A. Chosen solitude is a true gift. In fact, in Unconditional, we see Mia’s father explaining why he enjoys doing things alone, like having coffee or exercising. Being able to enjoy time for oneself, in a society filled with stimuli, plans, and people, is a true gift. If from a young age we teach our children to establish a healthy relationship with solitude, without using it as a punishment, offering it voluntarily as a time to care for their hobbies, surely they will not fear it as they grow older and may even ask for time alone to play, listen to music, shower, or read a book.

Q. Jean Piaget claimed that love is the most authentic form of teaching.

A. Without emotion, there is no learning, and what greater emotional fulfillment than the calm, stability, and happiness that unconditional love from parents provides to a child. Feeling loved, cared for, and belonging to their family helps them grow with a healthy and secure self-esteem, as these are the roots that propel them to bloom. Children deserve to be loved unconditionally by their reference figures, with an unbreakable connection that makes them feel important, visible, valid, and needed.